Thursday, February 08, 2007

love/hate/indiference

Just a quick line to keep those who still read this an update

i'm in love. for real. and quite possibly forever.
i am suffering/failing in school right now and am facing the very real possibility of being kicked out of having to drop out, and that part of my future is decided on February 16th.

Thus the love, hate and indifference. I am in love, i hate school, and i am indifferent about what happens with it.

talk to you all soon. with love,
DaniRae

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Wizard of Oz has killed me/ i am melting hearts

So....Oz is over. YAY! this means that i have a life again, only now it works around finals and final projects, but those are at least "on my own time" and not "mandatory attendance/killing yourself slowly"

and it wasnt so much that Oz was killing me, its just that the sleep deprivation and the not eating properly and the bitchy girls i had to work with nearly killed me. Emotionally i was the most unstable i have been in quite a long time, mentally i was numb, and physically i was exhausted to the point of passing out. But i made it through. With much difficulty, but its done now. I can stop being stressed out and look forward to a month of ME time.

On the hearts note i will not say too much, just that mine isnt the only one thats headed for danger and for those who read up on my self inflicted bad situation of past times need only know that this time it is that times 3, and the roles are equal. if that makes sense.

love you all, tty soon, ciao.

Danielle Rae

Sunday, November 19, 2006

the wonderful/idiotic/majestic/horriffic/magical wonderful world of OZ

Ok. I'm back. And DJ, this is partially for you and your snotty comment on my lack of updating, though it was a well earned comment ;)

so... my life has been the Wizard of OZ for the last week or 2, and will be that for the next 2 weeks.

literally

why is this? because we get to make all the costumes, which are ridiculous and the designer makes me want to main people, specifically her.

but this was really just for dj's sake, and i would dearly love to write more but i am just too tired. so goodnight, cheerio, love you all, and ttyl.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I doubt you'll ever read this, but you know who you are.

I cant let myself leave this post on here. So now it's gone.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

keep rubbing my face it and i wont have a face.

i'm sad today.

I feel like i have been on the longest guilt trip of my life since i moved home sunday. Today is only Tuesday, this is not looking promising. Everybody needs to stop reminding me of my many failures i've experienced over the last few months and give me some breathing room that is happy and guilt free. Do you really think i dont already feel bad enough for my actions? that i dont still hurt over what has happened to me and that i'm not eaten up for hurting you? however small or big the injury, hurting you hurts me twice as much. So stop reminding me constantly.

I just want to tell everybody that I GET IT ALREADY FOR FUCKS SAKE! in other words, stop rubbing it in! You say that you're worried about me, because i've been depressed and you dont want me in this condition, blahblahblah.... Well what i have to say to that is that you're making it worse. It is possible to show that you care without having to rub my face into everything i've done wrong and failed at in the last while. so shut it. seriously.

Dani.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Despite what you're reading, i had a great week.

guilt.

it is a funny thing isnt it. Today i was talking to my dad, and he asked me, midst a serious conversation about how i've been doing and feeling of late, what feelings i have that i havent felt validated for, and the most prominent thing that came to my mind was guilt.

But guilt for what exactly? well to lay it all out, the thing i feel most guilty about is that i shouldnt be sad/depressed/etc. There are people out there wtih 10X the problems i have and i think I'm depressed? and i know that pain is pain and can't be measured or compared blahblahblah. I know all of that. And in a way it just adds t it all.

And then i have guilt inside for other things. The biggest worst secret to keep ever that is eating me up because i am lying to the last person in the world i would ever want to hurt as i admire him more than any other person in the world.

I feel guilty for things i have done lately that are completely out of character and that probably hurt or dissapoint someone that i am close to.

and it all piles up till i can't stand it and my conscience is screaming at me to just tell somebody damnit and let them validate you guilt so that you can move on and get over it and not be constantly berated by these feelings.

danirae

Thursday, April 13, 2006

god hates me today.

ok... So life sucks. Really fucking badly. I want to run away forever and never come back. Because contrary to popular belief, running away from all your problems really is a way of solving them, because they dissapear when you do and you dont have to deal with them. Or as someone much wiser than me has said, you just take your problems with you to a new part of the world and then add all the problems of moving and not knowing anybody wherever it is that you go to.

But that doesnt make me want to stay here.

I hate life. with a buring fiery passion.


nothing is going the way it is supposed to, i am failing at everything i try and accomplish, i havent succeeded in anything in a long time. Except for getting up in the morning which is an extrordinary accomplishment for me right now. I would lie in my bed all day if i could.

right now i am faced with few options, and i do not like any of them except for leaving. and leaving isnt really a feasable option as i do not have the funds required to relocate.

but who says i give a fuck about that? i would live on the fucking street if it meant i didnt have to be here anymore.

and i'm repeating myself so i'm leaving. ciao.

Danielle.

fucktheworld

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I write Sins not Tragedies

Ok. So i just had a crazy dream. And i am going to try and remember it all so that i can post it. Lets see how much of this is memorable.

PS- i just watched lemony snicket's "a series of unfortunate events" last night which is where part of this came from.


So it all started with the idea of having a pretend wedding to pass the time. I, of course, was the bride, and Kevin was to be my makebeileve groom. It was summer, we were bored, so us and all our friends decided to celebrate something fake and that would be our wedding. So everyone is busy and bustling and trying to make everything ready. And this was no simple fake wedding. We booked a church, had a reception and a dance, the boys were all in tuxes, i was in a beautiful wedding gown that was strapless, corset back, had beading embroidery around the top and bottom of the corset, and embroidery on my skirt, and on the massively long train. So it was a pretty elaborate fake wedding. But (aha!) kevin had a girlfriend, who really didnt take kindly to him pretending to marry me. And there was a boy that i was supposed to be seeing who also wasnt too keen on the idea of me marrying kevin, but what did we care? it was all fake, for fun, and to give everybody something to keep themselves occupied with.

So it's the day of the wedding. I'm in a backroom of the church getting ready. I have all my bridesmaids there helping me. 2 of them are lacing up my corset and one is fixing my train, one is getting all the boquets ready. So my dress is on, it weighs a freaking TON, but that is what you get for an embroidered cathedral length train i suppose. But now we can;t find my shoes! they're not in the closet where all the rest of the shoes are, i can't wear black ones with a white dress, and the only shoes in the closet are runners. I pull them out and laugh with the girls about how much fun it would be to pull a father of the bride or "ready to fun" by the dixiechicks moment and wear running shoes down teh aisle. But then we find my shoes, just as the music is starting and i'm nearly ready to walk down the aisle. I am a little nervous yet excited, which is weird, becaue i know that it is all just a show. The church actually has alot of people there to see the wedding. It started just as friends and now includes more people.

the last bridesmaid walks down the aisle. I look out the door and see kevin and his line of groomsmen standing at the front of the church, looking very good in their tuxes. Someone behind me fixes my train and i hear my cue to go. I start walking down the aisle, everyone turns to look at me but all i can see is kevin. I can hear muttering from the area where kevins girl is sitting, and i can feel some nasty glares aimed at me, but mostly i feel happy and i know that everyone there is excited and having fun. I mean, we planned this all together, it wasnt just a me and kevin thing.

But then i reach the front and stop beside kevin, we smile at each other , hold hands, and go on with the service. Both of us are just waiting for the part where he says "You may now kiss...", becaue after all, isnt that the most exciting part when you're wedding is all a sham? Then he finally says it, kevin and i just look at each other wtih this smirk for a second, then we kiss, draw back and look at each other afterwards wtih mischief in our eyes, and proceed to a semi-raunchy make out in the middle of a church surrounded by all our friends, catcalling us and whistling at our little show. They were all waiting for something liek this to happen, you need some excitement in a fake wedding. We all go home to change before the reception. We take the train off my dress then begin the process of putting the dress back on all over again. Me and my maidofhonour (who was my bestfriend, yet kind of faceless, she's not anyone i actually know, which is werid for my dreams) get in my car and drive back to the church to pick up our stuff on the way to the reception. When we get in the backroom where all of our stuff is there is a little package tied in brown paper and string. Anout the size of my hand and kind of lumpy. Maid of honour sees it and hands it to me. I pulloff the string and open it. inside is something black, hard, and about the size of a flask. around it is wrapped a piece of paper with really messy writing on teh inside of it. It says something along the lines of "you should watch what you do, because you really hurt some people today and they want you to know how much it hurt and to watch your back cause revenge is sweet". The package attatched to it turned out to be a mini digital camera and a package of pictures. Te pictures were all taken from inside the church, one of our friends had wanted to play photographer. But i hadn't known that someone was filming the whole ceremony. It was filmed from the balcony and wal all zoomed it. I opened the camera and watched the drama unfold. It started off at the bachelor party kevin and the guys had held at his cabin. It was a drunken shot of all of then cheersing wtih the mugs of beer in teh air, all drunker than hell, with the guys toasting kevin to his good fortune, and how he had better have an awesome wedding night, cause now he had good opportunity to take me home, blahblahblah. Then it cut straight to the ceremony. Nothing new, i had just been in it. But filmed from thsi angle it seemed a little different. I could see how radiant i looked in my dress, how my face lit up when i looked at kevin, how he got flushed when i started walking down the aisle towards him, the look in his eyes when he first saw me, the hush of the crowd and how they all seemed to be under this spell. And then our kiss. How tender and real teh first one was, and how obnoxious the second one was. How happy we looked laughing our way back down the aisle.

I knew then why manda had left me this film. It did not look like a fake wedding from that point of view, and i knew how much it had destroyed kevs girlfriend to watch it. It wasnt all fun and games anymore.

But then we get to the reception, which was a campfire party on a sandy beach (go figure?!). Everyone is cheering as i show up, kevin is there already. I am walking around talking to people when i see kevin. He is leaning up against a tree a little ways away. i walk up to him, he's still in part of the tux, he ditched the jacket and vest, and his tie isnt done up its just slung around his neck. I walk over, he is all "hey wife, how are you?: and pulls me close for another hot kiss. And trust me it is hot. There is nothing like almost marrying someone and wearing a wedding dress that makes for chemistry and wanting to be a little bad.


his gf sees, but neither of us care. we just got "married" and she can deal with that for tonight. I runinto her the next day and i get chewed out cause shes there surrounded my all her friends and they're all backing her up in her rant about how horrible i am, how could i do that to her, blahblahblah. I feel bad, i know exactly how i made her feel. But it was all suppsoed to be for fun. and i tell her that, and then i woke up. So i will never know what happened. But i do know this, i enjoyed getting fake married to kevin. It was a really fun dream and i havent had one like it on a long long time.

happy dreaming!

Foo.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

best b-day present EVER!

Julie (aka silentwolf, aka dashboardhuladancer, aka wolfie, minime, midget, gnomelover, oh how i could go on...) just gave me the best b-day present EVER!!! we were chatting tattoos and piercings, and she knows that i have wanted my lip pierced for a freaking YEAR and havent been able to get it yet for alot of reasons. Well now i am finally in a place in life where i can get it pierced, and she innocently asked me how much it was going to cost and i told her, thinking that it was totally conversational b/c she was talking about how much money she has spent on tatts and piercings in her lifetime, and then she up and tells me "Well, i can't make it to your b-day party, so i'll compensate. I'm paying for your piercing. I'll stop at the bank on the way home and take it out tonight so that you can get your piercing for your b-day."

AHHH! oh how i love her. you're the shit girl. piercings!!!! i have wanted this for so long and to be handed it for my birthday just makes me happy. and i love being happy, its been awhile.

So julie, i love you LOTS and forever, and we are concerting for your b-day. Pick a show and i'll see what i can do. WHOO!

Holy sporks and lightsabers Batman!

..p.s. - julie i just had a thought, will those damn thieving gnomes leave me alone once i have a sparkly? I've always wanted a sparkly...


FooFoo.

Friday, March 31, 2006

april showers...

I love rain. And it has rained afew times this week. which makes me happy. Afew days ago i spent quite awhile sitting on my steps with my hat and my coat, bundled against the chill of the rain, just sitting there loving every moment of the rain falling on my face and on the grass and smelling how amazing rain smells.... And whenever i closed my eyes i could see the view that i get form my deck in vauxhall. And having spent alot of time sitting on my deck in the rain (i love sitting outside when it is raining. best feeling ever) i could see it all vividly. The feild behind my house, the glow of the streetlamps, the pool, the friensens house, my neighbors, the tree that keeps me from seeing teh civic centre, the bigass mansion house that tajiris built, my dogs in their kennel, the garden, the shed, all of it. Everytime i closed my eyes it was like i was sitting back at home. And it made me feel so content. ANd while this may make me sound like a sentimental sap, it was nice to, just for a moment, be back at home without ever leaving leth.

Danielle